What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism often shows up as a strong drive for high standards, discipline, and ambition. In a world that prizes success, it can feel admirable -- something to strive for. But for many, chasing perfection becomes a double-edged sword. It is a never-ending, exhausting pursuit of something that’s always just out of reach. Wanting to do your best isn’t a bad thing, but when perfectionism takes over, it can become a heavy mental and emotional burden that slowly chips away at your self-worth and overall well-being.
Perfectionism is about wanting to do things flawlessly; an inherent need for things to be perfect. It’s driven by the desire to meet a desired standard -- whether it’s one we set for ourselves or one we think others expect from us. When we succeed, it can feel like a big win; but when we fall short, it often leaves us feeling frustrated and disappointed.
What Causes Perfectionism?
Upbringing or Family Dynamics
Perfectionism often stems from two unmet needs: the need to belong and the need to feel good enough. When these needs aren’t fully met early on in life, that feeling of not being enough can stick with us into adulthood. Perfectionism then develops as a way to shield against rejection or abandonment, while also trying to gain connection, acceptance, and belonging.
Fear of Judgement
Perfectionism is often a way of trying to protect ourselves from feelings of not fitting in, not belonging, or not being accepted. It’s an attempt to cover up the deep, uncomfortable fear of not being good enough.
Societal or Cultural Pressures
We might convince ourselves that perfectionism is the key to success -- that if we can just get everything right, we’ll earn respect and admiration, and even feel proud of ourselves. This idea can be especially strong in cultures or societies that prioritize productivity and success. Whether it’s the picture-perfect lives we scroll through on social media or the pressure to keep climbing the corporate ladder, perfectionism can feel like the key to winning, finding security, and earning social approval.
How is Perfectionism Affecting Me?
Self-Sabotaging
For those struggling with perfectionism, success means doing something perfectly, and failure means anything less than flawless. This "all or nothing" thinking can become an unhealthy obsession with reaching an impossible standard. This can lead to giving up entirely or not even trying in the first place.
Burnout
Perfectionism doesn’t just tire you out; it can quickly lead to complete burnout. The constant pressure to meet or exceed expectations, whether your own or someone else’s, drains your energy and focus in ways that just aren’t sustainable. You end up sacrificing personal time, sleep, and even your health. Over time, this takes a serious toll, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion leaving you feeling drained and disengaged.
Strategies to Manage Perfectionism
The key to moving beyond perfectionism is not to abandon high standards, but to have a more balanced, self-compassionate approach.
Acceptance: Overcoming Self-sabotaging
If you’re hesitant to start a task because you are worried about failing, remind yourself that progress is better than perfection. It’s okay if things don’t go perfectly. By taking manageable, consistent steps, you’ll still make progress toward your goals.
Challenging and Reframing Negative Beliefs
Instead of seeing mistakes as failures, try to see them as opportunities to learn. Ask yourself: are your thoughts based on reality, or on fears and assumptions? Replace your negative self-talk with positive, realistic thoughts.
Mindfulness
Take a moment to check in with yourself when it feels like things need to be perfect. What is triggering those feelings and negative self-talk? Paying attention to these patterns can be a great first step in addressing perfectionism.
Self-Compassion
Start treating yourself with the same understanding and kindness you'd offer to your friend. When you make mistakes, don’t take this as a reflection of your value. Instead, think of it as a chance to learn and grow. Practicing self-compassion can help break the cycle of harsh self-judgment and build resiliency when challenges come your way.
Set Realistic Goals: Authenticity Over Perfection
Perfectionism feeds on unrealistic expectations. If you catch yourself setting goals that feel impossible to reach, take a moment to step back and question whether those expectations are realistic. Be kind to yourself -- adjust your goals to something more achievable while still pushing yourself to grow authentically.
As Brené Brown puts it, “Perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. It (perfectionism) is not about healthy achievement and growth; it is a shield we use to protect ourselves from being hurt.”
Author: Ciara Neave, Registered Provisional Psychologist
References
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
Hill, A. P., & Curran, T. (2016). Multidimensional Perfectionism and Burnout: A Meta-Analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Review: An Official Journal of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, Inc, 20(3), 269–288. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868315596286
Hewitt, P. L. (2020). Perfecting, belonging, and repairing: A dynamic-relational approach to perfectionism. Canadian Psychology/Psychologie Canadienne, 61(2), 101. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/cap0000209
Limburg, K., Watson, H. J., Hagger, M. S., & Egan, S. J. (2019). The relationship between perfectionism and anxiety: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 65, 44-60. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22435
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x
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