Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can impact many domains of an individual’s life, including their romantic relationships and partnerships. Some of the core features of ADHD can bring a lot of excitement, spontaneity, passion, and creativity to a new relationship, but it can also bring with it a lot of challenging moments that can have significant impacts on the relationship dynamic, especially over time.
What once might have been a fun quirk can evolve to become an on-going point of contention, leading to conflict, communication breakdown, and negative or inconsistent impacts on emotional connection and physical intimacy. When we have a better understanding of ADHD and how it might show up in our relationships and gain the communication skills and boundaries needed to support the dynamic in a healthy way, these relationships can be highly workable and satisfying. But when we don’t, they can be volatile, unstable, and rife with conflict.
Understanding ADHD in Relationships
As a neurodevelopmental condition, ADHD is considered a unique neurotype with an interest and stimulation-based framework for the world. Core features of ADHD are typically understood as distractibility, impulsivity, hyperactivity, and challenges with emotional control. These core features of this condition can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and at times a feeling of imbalance between partners, where one partner might almost feel like they are in a parenting role for the other. Understandably, this can lead to one partner feeling overwhelmed with responsibility while the other partner faces challenges with consistency and follow-through.
Common Challenges with an ADHD Partner
When ADHD is present in the partnership, common challenges that might be encountered include communication breakdowns, emotional sensitivity or rejection sensitive dysphoria, unequal division of responsibilities, the frustrating hyperfocus vs. task paralysis/inattentive cycle, difficulties with impulsivity, and conflict.
Staying focused during conversations can be challenging for an ADHDer, as they might risk zoning out, losing focus, forgetting important details, or interrupting with tangents or unhelpful observations, or fixations on certain words or concepts and missing the bigger picture. This can lead to feeling unheard or undervalued, resulting in a lack of connection.
When it comes to challenges with emotional sensitivity, ADHDers might be more sensitive to feeling rejected, criticized, or judged. The ADHDer may be navigating people pleasing or appeasement behaviours to keep safe from reproach, and this can at times look like self-sacrifice of needs or boundaries and the prioritizing of the needs of the other to ensure personal safety and connection. Unfortunately, this at times can also show up as a fibbing behaviour – where lies, omissions, or half-truths become the easy go-to for the ADHDer to avoid another let down, yet another feeling of disappointment or failure.
And when those feelings of failure are activated, the ADHDer may experience a flare of rejection sensitive dysphoria – unbearable pain at perceived or real rejection, criticism, or judgment. This can lead to emotional dysregulation at inopportune times, making conflict resolution more challenging and difficult to navigate. On top of this, the impulsivity in ADHD can lead to saying things without thinking it through, surrendering to emotional impulses, rash decisions, or difficulties letting go – all of which can escalate conflicts and create repeat cycles of misunderstanding.
Additionally, ADHDers can struggle with day-to-day tasks that are unstimulating and unsatisfying, leading to the non-ADHD partner feeling burdened with most of the responsibilities or feeling like they need to check and re-check to ensure tasks were completed and ensuring important things weren’t forgotten.
This may be frustrating, because at the start of the relationship there may have been a hyperfocus from the ADHDer on the partner, where they engaged in love-bombing, showering their partner with attention and excitement. As this phase wanes, and the interest and novelty of the new dynamic dissipates and inattention sets in, this may lead to the non-ADHDer partner feeling confused, rejected, neglected, unimportant – or even suspicious that something is afoot.
The Good Stuff
Despite all of this, there are many wonderful things that an ADHD relationship might bring. Creativity and spontaneity might be present, or a drive for thrilling adventures and new experiences. There may be passion and deep loyalty, creative problem solving and outside the box thinking. There may be incredible gestures and moments of profound connection and a feeling of intense emotional satisfaction.
The good news is, we can expand upon the good stuff when we seek to better understand ADHD, the impact of dopamine dysregulation, and navigating executive dysfunction challenges – all those skills that we need to be successful “adults” as we try to meet the demands of this world. But the key is education, understanding, compassion, and a willingness to support problem-solving strategies and skill-development for the areas of the dynamic that aren’t as workable.
Learning to understand individual communication strategies, particularly when it comes to navigating difficult conversations, can go a long way to reducing the intensity of conflict in the dynamic. Active listening, repeating back key points to ensure understanding, planning designated times for meaningful conversations to occur, and checking in with each other’s capacity and ability to show up to difficult conversations can all have a positive impact and improve the sense of connectedness in the dynamic. It may feel inorganic, but asking your partner how they want you to show up – as a listener, someone to commiserate with, or a problem solver – can go a long way of enhancing communication as you will be more likely to get the version of your partner that you are truly seeking.
Understanding how to introduce accommodations and modifications to address the core features of the ADHDer’s executive dysfunction can also change the level of tension and stress within the relationship. The ADHDer may need certain things broken down into more manageable steps to avoid overwhelm and stress, consistent and designated spaces for often misplaced items, or accommodating routines or tools such as shared calendars, alarms, alerts, and sticky notes to mitigate the harm the core features of ADHD might cause.
When To Seek Support
If the ADHD-related challenges are causing significant conflict, stress, and strain in the relationship, seeking professional help can be absolutely beneficial. It is important to keep in mind that it is not just the ADHDer who needs the support – the relationship is a partnership, and both partners may need support in understanding the dynamics of their relationship and the aspects of ADHD and executive dysfunction which are the source of the conflict. Therapy and ADHD coaching can provide greater understanding, education, and awareness for both partners to improve communication and gain better strategies for working with the condition, rather than against. It can be well worth the investment and can transform a once miserable dynamic back to the wonderful feelings experienced during the relationship’s infancy.
Medication and lifestyle changes – particularly with diet, sleep and exercise – can also improve ADHD symptoms and relational dynamics. Recognizing ADHD’s impact, playing to its strengths, and taking proactive steps to improve communication and structure within the relationship can support the goal of a balanced, loving relationship where both partners feel valued, heard, supported, and connected.
Author: Paul Welch, Registered Provisional Psychologist
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