The holidays can be a stressful time for many people. The prospect of potential conflicts during meals or activities can create anxiety. Below are some common situations you may encounter, along with helpful boundary-setting responses.
Situation 1
You are hosting dinner, and a guest starts discussing politics. The conversation heats up, leading to arguments among guests.
“Excuse me, everyone. I know we have all been looking forward to connecting and having a good time, but discussing politics is causing tension. I would like to steer the conversation away from any hot-button topics. Let’s move the conversation to _______________.”
If a specific guest tends to initiate debates or conflicts, consider reaching out to them beforehand to establish your boundaries regarding conversation topics.
“Hi ____________, I am really looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday. I know you enjoy discussing (religion, politics, etc.), but these topics tend to create tension among people. I would appreciate it if you could avoid these polarizing issues when you come over.”
Situation 2
You have committed to going to your sibling’s home for dinner and you regret not declining the invite because you know it will be chaotic. You can:
1. Change your mind—perhaps staying for the entire event is overwhelming for you. You can opt to leave early, arrive late, or not attend at all. Communicate your decision as soon as possible so your absence can be planned around.
“Hi ___________, I appreciate all the effort you are putting into hosting this year, and I look forward to spending some time with you. I wanted to let you know that I can stay until 7:30 PM on Wednesday; that should give us plenty of time to catch up.”
“Hi ___________, I know you are working hard to host everyone this year, and I appreciate being included in the celebration. However, even though I initially said I could come, I’m not feeling up to it and will need to decline. I’m sorry if this change disrupts your plans.”
2. Attend to your needs at their house—perhaps you need to find a place to de-stimulate during the evening. If you need a certain space in their home, communicate beforehand so they can try to accommodate it.
“I’m looking forward to coming over on Wednesday, but I might need to rest during the evening. Is there a room available where I can lie down if I need to?”
“I’m going to step out for a quick walk; I’ll be back in 20 minutes.”
Situation 3
You are visiting a friend’s house for a gathering, and you usually enjoy it—except for one friend who tends to make insulting comments. You planned to avoid this person, but they approach you and hurl an insult.
“What was your intention with that comment?”
“I am not okay with you speaking to me to like that.”
“What you just said is inappropriate.”
If you are not used to setting boundaries, it might initially feel difficult and awkward. Remember that boundary-setting is a skill that can be learned! With practice, it can lead to healthier relationships, increased trust, and even deeper connections.
Author: Tanya Woo, Therapist, Certified Canadian Counsellor
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