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February, often celebrated as the month of love, is a time to reflect on love in its most essential form: self-love. Self-love is the ability to appreciate, accept, and care for oneself regardless of external achievements or validation. While children and teens may feel self-love when they achieve success or receive external validation, those feelings can be fleeting. Academic struggles, friendship conflicts, and self-doubt can easily erode their sense of worthiness. As parents, teachers, and caregivers, we play a crucial role in fostering children’s self-love and resilience.
However, fostering self-love in children isn’t about shielding them from failure. Instead, it’s about helping them cultivate an inner voice that is kind, compassionate, and resilient in the face of life’s challenges. Even children who appear outwardly successful often struggle with self-criticism. When they make mistakes, they may see them as proof of failure. When friendships falter, they may believe they are unworthy of connection. Teaching them to reframe these experiences with self-compassion strengthens their ability to navigate difficulties and reinforces the idea that self-love provides a steady foundation for overcoming hard times.
A key factor in the process of fostering self-love is how children observe and absorb the self-talk of the adults around them. When they hear parents, teachers, or caregivers being overly self-critical - whether about appearance, abilities, or mistakes - they may internalize that same harsh self-talk. Shifting this pattern begins with us. Modeling self-love means acknowledging mistakes without excessive self-blame, celebrating our efforts rather than just results, and demonstrating that success is not tied to perfection.
Beyond modeling, the way we communicate with children influences how they speak to themselves. If a child frequently hears criticism, they may internalize that narrative. On the other hand, when children hear encouragement and constructive feedback, they develop a more positive and resilient inner voice. Being mindful of the words we use - offering reassurance, praising efforts, and validating their emotions - can help shape a self-dialogue rooted in self-love.
The digital world also plays a powerful role in a child’s relationship with self-love. Social media, in particular, can complicate this relationship. Constant exposure to curated images and highlight reels can lead to unfair comparisons. While restricting a child’s access to social media entirely may be unrealistic, guiding children to think critically about online content can be highly effective. Asking them to reflect on how certain accounts make them feel and helping them understand that social media often presents a selective, polished version of reality fosters a healthier perspective. Encourage your children to follow content creators who promote self-acceptance, mental well-being, and body positivity.
Still, self-love isn’t just about how children see themselves in comparison to others online—it’s also about how they treat themselves in moments of struggle. We foster self-love by teaching children to respond to personal setbacks with kindness rather than criticism. When a child expresses self-doubt, validating their feelings while gently challenging their negative thoughts can be impactful. For example, if a child struggles with math and says, “I’m not smart,” rather than dismissing their frustration or offering quick reassurance, it can be helpful to acknowledge the challenge while supporting them in reframing their self-talk. If you’re unsure how to help your child develop this skill, seeking guidance from a mental health professional can provide valuable strategies for fostering self-love through healthier, more balanced self-talk.
This effort to reshape negative self-talk is especially important because negative thoughts tend to have a stronger psychological impact than positive ones. Research suggests that humans are evolutionarily wired to prioritize negative stimuli, making self-critical thoughts more persistent (Vaish, Grossmann, & Woodward, 2008). Research on relationships by Gottman (1994) also suggests it often takes five positive interactions to counterbalance one negative one. While this principle originates in relationship dynamics, it also applies to self-talk - negative thoughts can be deeply ingrained and require intentional and additional effort to reframe. For neurodivergent children, this negativity bias can be even stronger (Beck et al., 2020; Williams et al., 2018), making it crucial to help them challenge self-critical thoughts and replace them with more positive and compassionate perspectives.
Of course, we want our children to grow up loving themselves, but we also hope they become adults who are deeply loved by others. Self-love isn’t just about personal confidence - it’s the foundation for the relationships they will one day build. When children learn to treat themselves with kindness and respect, they are more likely to gravitate toward people who reflect those same values. Over time, this self-compassion becomes a guiding force, helping them cultivate friendships, partnerships, and connections that are rooted in mutual care and encouragement. By nurturing self-love in childhood, we’re not just shaping how they see themselves -we’re shaping the kind of love and respect they will accept from the world around them.
Author: Faith Comeau, Registered Psychologist
References:
Vaish, A., Grossmann, T., & Woodward, A. (2008). Not all emotions are created equal: The negativity bias in social-emotional development. Psychological Bulletin, 134(3), 383–403
Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Simon & Schuster.
Beck, J. S., Hanson, E., Puffe, C., & Streisand, R. (2020). Self-criticism and emotional regulation in children with ADHD and autism. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 61(3), 345-359.
Williams, K. E., Sciberras, E., & Pitson, J. (2018). The impact of negative self-talk on neurodivergent children: A review of interventions and outcomes. Developmental Psychology, 54(7), 1125-1139
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